Today, I tuned into CBC's radio show "Q" and managed to catch the tail end of an interview with author Alexandra Robbins who was speaking about her book "The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth". In her book she examines high school life and the behaviour of so-called popular individuals vs the individuals that are awkward, unremarkable and often bullied.
I suppose this interview caught my interest because I was an incredible geek or nerd when I was a kid. I was shy and uncomfortable, nervous and introverted, and easily embarrassed. I didn't want to expose myself in any way to my fellow body of students, I was mildly bullied and I was extremely sensitive.
I learned to cope in school by altering my behaviour enough so that I blended in and went unnoticed. I wore decent clothes, fussed with my hair, and developed the eye-rolling I'm-so-much-better-than-you attitude that is common with teenaged girls. I shamelessly gossiped about how 'stupid' other people were, all the while, being full of self-loathing. I craved to feel confident in front of a crowd, to be absent of butterflies and shaking hands. I craved to know how to 'say the right thing' and not be constantly red in the face and sweaty. I craved to have people like me, because I perceived that no one did. I craved to be 'popular'.
I hated whispering, giggling girls, as I imagined they were all whispering and laughing at me ... at the same time, I contributed to the very behaviour I loathed. It's the most instinctive human mechanism: Do unto others that which you perceive others are doing unto you.
However, Ms. Robbins made the comment that there is a distinct difference between perceived popularity and actual popularity. Those 'popular' kids only seemed popular because they were recognizable - their recognizability didn't necessarily mean they were liked ... these kids tended to peak in high school and then wane once they were 'out' in the world.
This was like an AHA moment for me! I had wanted to be popular - we ALL wanted to be popular - our KIDS want to be popular, because the 'popular' kids are noticed, recognizable. We all want to feel like someone sees us. Really sees us. And so, it may not be popularity or attention we crave, but the notion of not being invisible and that we are accepted just as we are.
I think childhood is painful because we perceive (especially quiet, introverted children) that no one notices us - or, when we are noticed, it seems it's only negative attention we receive.
Ms. Robbins encouraged us to praise our children. Notice and praise them. Their unique traits will serve them well when they are older. These traits, so painful to accept, are blessings! Unique traits, if carefully nurtured and accepted, will be the best part of a person's personality.
If you catch yourself wanting your child (or yourself) to be something other than who they are, remind yourself that they (or you) are exactly who they (you) are meant to be. Learn to love your children (and yourself) unconditionally - meaning that you love without placing parameters on this love.
Ms. Robbins goes on to say that life becomes much better for nerd-type folks, once they are out of the insular environment of school. I have to agree.
