When I was 16 I was disturbed to find myself wondering: Who am I? As in, who am I really?
This sort of wondering was embarrassing, as no-one else seemed to be asking these questions (or if they were, I wasn't having a proper discussion with them) and no-one seemed to be offering any sort of answer. There were always people who were willing to instruct me on how I should behave, but my behaviour wasn't who I was.
I knew I wasn't my marks at school ... marks were something I acquired via a type of performance.
I wasn't my part-time job at a local burger joint because that was something I did.
I wasn't the drawings I made ... they somehow came from me, but they were still just something I did and produced.
I knew, roughly, what I liked and disliked, but I knew that "who I was" wasn't a matter of my individual preferences.
I wasn't my hand or my foot, because my thoughts didn't seem to originate from my hands, feet or other body parts. My body seemed to be along for the ride, as well as to enhance the ride via my senses, but due to its ever-changing nature, it didn't seem to be me.
I knew I wasn't even my brain, because my brain was a mass of grey matter, full of synapses firing electrical impulses which formed ideas, judgements and performed instinctual functions, like reminding my heart to beat constantly and my lungs to breathe. But ... my brain was not me.
This very question has lead me on an ongoing journey to discover who I am. Here is some of the information I've gleaned:
I have read that we are all vibrational energy. That everything is vibrating and we attract that which vibrates at a similar resonance as us.
I have read that we are actually a soul, which sheds the body at the end of its life, much like taking off clothing at the end of the day ... that the soul is eternal spirit (like God or the Holy Spirit) which is perfect and magnificent beyond human comprehension and that all separateness is imagined due to collective unconsciousness or the ego.
I have read that nothing is separate. That we are actually all one. That the energy that allows me to 'be' is the same energy that allows you to 'be', and as such there is technically no 'you' or 'me'.
I have read that the only way to come to understand this, and life, the Universe or 'God' is to drop all judgement, love unconditionally, let go of everything and find forgiveness for everything.
Is any of this information true? I obviously don't have any concrete answers. How could I? But, there seems to be truth somewhere in the dropping judgement, loving unconditionally, and finding forgiveness part.
If all my wondering has lead me to attempt to observe my judgemental nature and to love unconditionally, however naive it might seem, it might be wise for everyone to start with the question: "Who am I?" ... or at the very least to remember that you are not your job, or your stuff.
